Be Happy and Dont Hurt Others

CUSTOMER SERVICE

This is supposedly  from the WordPerfect Helpline which was
transcribed
from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless
to say,
the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he is currently suing
the
WordPerfect Organization for “Termination without Cause.” This is
the
actual dialogue of  a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee
(now I
know why they record these conversations)

“Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?”

“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went

away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“It’s a blank; it won’ t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”

“How do I tell?”

“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”

“What’s a sea-prompt?”

“Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”

“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I
type.”

“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

“What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.” “Does
it
have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged
into
the wall.”

“Yes, it is.”

“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were
two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

“No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable.”

“Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the
back
of your computer.”

“I can’t reach.”

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

“No.”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle - it’s because
it’s
dark.”

“Dark?”

“Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming
in
from the window.”

Well, turn on the office light then.”

“I can’t.”

“No? Why not?”

“Because there’s a power failure.”

“A power…………a power failure?…. Aha, Okay, we’ve got it
licked  now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
computer came in?”

“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like
it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it
from.”

“Really? Is it that bad?”

“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That’s what I want to know.

Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.

George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow’s name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?

Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That’s the man’s name.

George: That’s who’s name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader
of
China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the
Middle East.

Condi: That’s correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don’t want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of
milk.
And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we
should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you
get
Chinese food in the Middle East?
The Motley Fool is dedicated to educating, amusing, and enriching
individual investors

Once a boy went to a shop with his mother.

The shop keeper looked at the small cute child and showed him a bottle with sweets and said “Dear Child, you can take the sweets”. But the child didn’t take. The shop keeper was surprised. Such a small child he is and why is he not taking the sweets from the bottle. Again he said take the sweets. Now mother also heard that and said, “Take the sweets”. Yet he didn’t take.

The shopkeeper seeing the child not taking the sweets, he himself took the sweets and gave to the child. The child was happy to get two hands full of sweets.

When returned to home Mother asked child, “Why didn’t you take the sweets, when shop keeper told you to take?”

Can you guess the response?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Child replies, “Mom! My hands are very small and if I take the sweets I can only take few. But now you see when uncle gave with his big hands. How many more sweets I got!”

Moral:

When we take we may get little but when God gives, he gives us more beyond our expectations, more than what we can hold.

“It doesn’t matter what he does, he will never amount to anything”

Top 20 Replies by Programmers to Testers when their programs don’t work

20. “That’s weird…”
19. “It’s never done that before.”
18. “It worked yesterday.”
17. “How is that possible?”
16. “It must be a hardware problem.”
15. “What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?”
14. “There is something funky in your data.”
13. “I haven’t touched that module in weeks!”
12. “You must have the wrong version.”
11. “It’s just some unlucky coincidence.”
10. “I can’t test everything!”
9. “THIS can’t be the source of THAT.”
8. “It works, but it hasn’t been tested.”
7. “Somebody must have changed my code.”
6. “Did you check for a virus on your system?”
5. “Even though it doesn’t work, how does it feel?
4. “You can’t use that version on your system.”
3. “Why do you want to do it that way?”
2. “Where were you when the program blew up?”
And the Number One Reply by Programmers when their programs don’t work:
GuessGuess………….

 
Come on, even u say it ……

 
Guess………….

“It works on my machine”

The Divorce Letter !
 
 

 Dear Husband:
 
 
 I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good.
 
 I’ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
 for it. These last two weeks have been hell.
 
 Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was
 the last straw.
 
 Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and
 nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.
 
 You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
 watching the game. You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t touch
 me or anything.
 
 Either you’re cheating or you don’t love me anymore, whatever the case is,
 I’m gone.
 
 P.S. If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your BROTHER and I are moving away
 to West Virginia together!
 
 Have a great life!
 
 
 Your EX-Wife
 
 
 ============ ========= ========= ========= ======
 

 Dear Ex-Wife
 
 Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you
 and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry
 from what you’ve been.
 
 I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad
 that doesn’t work.
 
 I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing
 that came to mind was “You look just like a man!” My mother raised me to
 not say anything if you can’t say anything nice.
 
 When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY
 BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
 
 I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price
 tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had
 just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was
 $49.99.
 
 After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
 
 So when I discovered that I Had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I
 quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you
 were gone.
 
 Everything happens for a reason I guess.
 
 I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with
 your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me.
 
 So take care.
 
 P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
 Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.

Dear all,

Gems in communications!!!

—————————————————–

Wipro, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:

“Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.”
——————————————————————————–

This is from Oracle Bangalore: >from an employee who was performing the “mundan” ceremony of his 10 year old son:

“As I want to shave my son’s head, please leave me for two days…”
——————————————————————————–

Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter’s wedding:
 ”as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week’s leave…”
——————————————————————————–

From H.A.L.  Administration Dept:
“As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave.”
——————————————————————————–

Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
Since I’ve to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave”
——————————————————————————–

An incident of a leave letter:
“I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday.”
——————————————————————————–

A leave letter to the headmaster:
“As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today”
——————————————————————————–

Another leave letter written to the headmaster:  
“As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.”
——————————————————————————–

Covering note:  
“I am enclosed herewith…”
——————————————————————————–

Another  one:
 ”Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below…”
——————————————————————————–

Actual letter written for application of leave:
“My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave”.
——————————————————————————–

Letter writing: -  
 ”I am well here and hope you are also in the same well.”
——————————————————————————–

A candidate’s job application:
“This has reference to your advertisement calling for a Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female’… As I am both (!!) for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)

Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it
take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 rd Rank Opted for IFS)

Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four
apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.(Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with
one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs, He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)

Q. What looks like half apple?
A : The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper)

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?
A : Dinner.
Q. What happened when wheel was invented?
A : It caused a revolution.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A : Liquid (UPSC 33 R ank )

Interviewer said “I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one
really difficult question.
Think well before you make up your mind!” The boy thought for a
while and said,
“my choice is one really difficult question.”
“Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me this.
“What comes first, Day or Night?”
The boy was jolted in! to reality as his admission depends on the
correctness of his answer, but he thought for a while and said, “It’s the
DAY sir!”
“How” the interviewer asked,
“Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND
difficult question!”
He was selected for IIM!

A gentleman was once visiting a temple under construction.

In the temple premises, he saw a sculptor making an idol of God.

Suddenly he saw, just a few meters away, another identical idol was lying.

Surprised he asked the sculptor, do you need two statutes of the same idol.  No said the sculptor.

We need only one, but the first one got damaged at the last stage.

The gentleman examined the statue.   

No apparent damage was visible.   

Where the damage is asked the gentleman.   

There is a scratch on the nose of the idol.

Where are you going to keep the idol?   

The sculptor replied that it will be installed on a pillar 20 feet high.

When the idol will be 20 feet away from the eyes of the beholder, who is going to know that there is scratch on the nose? The gentleman asked.

The sculptor looked at the gentleman, smiled and said, “The God knows it and I know it “.

The desire to excel should be exclusive of the fact whether someone appreciates it or not.

Excellence is a drive from Inside not Outside.

There was a young man who went overseas to study for quite a long time.
When he returned, he asked his parents to find him a religious scholar or
any expert who could answer his 3 Questions. Finally, his parents were able
to find a scholar.

Young man:
Who are you? Can you answer my questions?

Scholar:
I am one of Lord’s believers and i will try to answer your questions.

Young man:
Are you sure? A lot of Professors and experts were not able to answer my
questions.

Scholar:
I will try my best.

Young Man:
I have 3 questions:
1. Does God exist? If so, show me His shape.
2. What is fate?
3. If Devil was created from the fire, why at the end he will be thrown to
hell that is also created from fire. It certainly will not hurt him at all,
since Devil and the hell were created from fire. Did God not think of it
this far?

Suddenly, the Scholar slapped the young man’s face very hard.

Young Man (feeling pain):
Why do you get angry at me?

Scholar:
I am not angry. The slap is my answer to your three questions.

Young Man:
I really don’t understand.

Scholar:
How do you feel after I slapped you?

Young Man:
Of course, I felt the pain.

Scholar:
So do you believe that pain exists?

Young Man:
Yes.

Scholar:
Show me the shape of the pain!

Young Man:
I cannot.

Scholar:
That is my first answer.
All of us feel God’s existence without being able to see His shape… Last
night, did you dream that you will be slapped by me?

Young Man:
No.

Scholar:
Did you ever think that you will get a slap from me, today?

Young Man:
No.

Scholar:
That is fate my second answer……..
My hand that I used to slap you, what is it created from?

Young Man:
It is created from flesh.

Scholar:
How about your face, what is it created from?

Young Man:
Flesh.

Scholar:
How do you feel after I slapped you?

Young Man:
In pain.

Scholar:
Thats it. this is my third answer, Even though Devil and hell were created
from the fire, if God wants, the hell will become a very painful place for
the Devil.

May God help u to succeed…